I’ve been obsessed with studying your face lately, and by lately I mean the past 14 months since you were born. Every day I look at your big blue eyes, your little button nose, and your smile full of sunshine and wonder how you are so darn perfect. Every time you learn a new skill, or test your limits in a new way, I wonder how you are so brilliant and talented. Then I look around and realize that probably every mom feels that way about their child (except with you it’s really true- you are the most beautiful and smartest 😉 ). Anyways, sometimes as your dad and I sit and awe at your newest trick or take 800 videos of you babbling nonsense, I feel sure I’m being such a #firsttimemom.
Becoming your mom has been a crazy adventure. The day you entered this world was a wild one for me- I won’t lie at the end I felt like I was in shock over what my body had just done…and then the nurse handed me you. In the midst of intense love and wonder, I felt uncertainty. Did the hospital really think I could take care of you? What if I broke you? What if somehow I didn’t take care of you correctly? Not out of carelessness or apathy- but just because this parenthood thing was such new territory and I truly felt like I had no idea what I was doing. Everyday after that felt like I was flying down a mountain road in a car with no brakes- I just had to handle each new twist and turn while feeling wildly out of control and completely terrified.
Until…somehow it just wasn’t scary anymore. We had good days, days where I showered and you napped in your crib and daddy came home to a clean house and smiling baby (and mommy). I could go to the store without feeling like someone was going to come take you away from me because they could just tell unqualified I was to be your mother. I could play with you, feed you, change you, and feel like your needs were taken care of- all without calling my mom for reassurance that I had done it right that day. We had a good thing going.
Somewhere in the midst of finally feeling like I had a handle on the day-to-day motherhood stuff…I got pregnant with your sister. And one of my first feelings was fear. Learning how to be a mother had been so different than I imagined- could I continue to take care of you and another tiny human!? And that feeling has been lying here in the bottom of my heart most of this pregnancy. However, finally this week, as I’ve started to shop and get things ready for the new baby, that feeling has begun to shift. As I shop for soothers and diapers, as a I pull little newborn outfits and blankets- I’m going back to familiar territory…it’s not new, I’ve done this before.
So why am I writing this letter to you? I just want to thank you for making me a mother. I know you didn’t really have a say in being the first-child…but I truly believe God sent your soul to our family at the time He did for a reason. You are meant to be our first child, and whether you see it as a blessing or a curse, you are the one teaching us day by day how to be parents. You are meant to be our daughter Sunday, and I can’t begin to summarize everything you’ve taught us and how much you’ve changed us (for the better) in just your short 14 months of life. You came to this world with so much personality- you are determined, independent, happy, and curious. We didn’t teach you to be any of these things- you just are. And I love every bit that makes you, you.
Thank you for being my little buddy, thank you for smiling at me 8,000 times a day and being a ray of sunshine, thank you for making every day moments hilarious and silly, thank you for snuggling me and making me feel important and needed. There are moments I wonder how having a sister so close in age is going to go. I hope, after all the sibling fighting and struggles, that you will see it as a huge blessing. I hope, you two become the best of friends and realize what a gift you are to each other. One day you’ll probably think your dad and I are lame and don’t know anything- on that day I hope you turn to your sister. One day your dad I will probably be more of a burden to you than anything, and annoy you in some way- on that day I hope you turn to your sister. One day your dad and I will have failing health and need a lot of care- on that day I hope you turn to your sister. I hope in all the good moments and bad moments life is going to hand you- you enjoy sharing them with your sister. Hopefully your sister is one of the greatest gifts I can give you in this life.
So my little first born- you will always be special to me. You will always be the one leading me into uncharted territory and teaching me how to mother in a new stage. In a few days we will embark on a new adventure, one of being a family of four, and I’m so grateful to know I’ll have my little Sunday by my side along the way. I love you baby girl, thanks for being my oldest.